The Headhunter

For a while in Orlando, my lunches were mostly spent with my friends Rick and Mickey. So one time, we hit this restaurant that had dozens of varieties of burgers and chicken sandwiches.

And one special burger meal.

It was called the Headhunter. It had two half-pound beef patties, and about a pound of bacon, cheese, onions, pickles, lettuce, and tomato. And a giant three part bun. And a pound of french fries.

The restaurant had a deal where if you ate the whole thing, they’d give you a coupon for a free one. (You didn’t have to eat it right then, thankfully.)

Now, anybody who knows me knows I can eat. I mean, I can really eat, despite being 6’1″ and about 140lbs which to all appearances looks pretty thin.

Several Italian mothers were fooled by my appearance and, convinced that all I needed was a little “feeding,” tried to fatten me up. All that happened was that I made an ungodly amount of food disappear with no apparent change in my physique.

Anyway, Rick and Mickey already knew what I could do, so Rick dared me to try it. Mickey, who’d done it before, advised me to work on the burger first, because as he said, “When you’re absolutely full, you can always jam a few more french fries down your throat.”

So I ordered the Headhunter to the surprise of the waitress, who reminded me that, “You know you have to finish it yourself. They can’t help out.”

Thanks for the vote of confidence, lady.

So the food came out and I got started. Rick and Mickey immediately started betting on me – not on whether I finish, but whether I can manage it in under an hour. (A fast eater I am not.)

The burger, as I mentioned, is two patties and three pieces of bun, and only an alligator could open wide enough to bite the whole thing. I ended up eating the top patty and the middle bun first, then the top and bottom bun with the bottom patty.

Remember, this is about two pounds of food here.

It took a while.

The waitress kept wandering by to make sure nobody was helping. She didn’t have to worry. Mickey kept telling jokes to make me laugh. Laughing with a full stomach was definitely not helping, so maybe he was trying to make it a challenge for me.

It took a while, but I eventually finished the burger and started on the fries. I was definitely slowing down by then, but still on target to come in under an hour.

Until.

I grabbed a french fry and uncovered a piece of bacon. Mocking me, taunting me.

I almost cried.

Mickey laughed, “C’mon Rock, you can do it!”

Somehow, I scarfed down the bacon and continued on the fries. They were completely cold and congealed by then, and no amount of ketchup could change that. Slowly but surely, I crammed down one fry after another until finally the plate was clean. Only 65 minutes!

The waitress congratulated me, and presented me with my coupon which I immediately christened my “Certificate of Gluttony.” It was late, and we had to get back to the office, so Rick/Mickey piled into my car and we shot back to work.

I dropped them off out front and parked my car, and followed them into the office not two minutes later. I was immediately bombarded by a variety of “Did you really eat all that?” questions.

My first thought was, “Sure, you wanna see it? blarrggg!”

I thought I’d be feeling full and loogy all afternoon, but I was fine. I got home that night to find Mary had baked an apple pie (damn you, vile woman!)

I had no desire to eat any dinner that night, or dessert either. In fact, I didn’t have any breakfast the following day, and only a very light lunch.

But I got my certificate of gluttony.

And to this day, I always eat my fries first.

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